Ever since I was a little girl, I have always learned to count on myself. Especially as an only child in a divorced family, I knew how to keep myself entertained and not to rely on others. My mom and my dad did a damn good job teaching me the motto of children should be seen and not heard and that any thing that I did wasn't really something that cared about. You know the missed ice skating lessons and performances, the softball games, dance recitals.. etc.
Being the only child that my parents had, they used to split the time with me in the beginning when they got divorced. One parent would get me (usually that meant I stayed at my grandparents), then the other would come pick me up and I'd go up to their house for the weekend. It was very hard as a kid to make friends. Even when I moved I pretty much was on my own and learned to entertain myself and played on my own.
In jr. high, I had made a few friends. Did things on rare occasion with people. When I went to highschool I bounced inbetween groups of friends, still never really doing much on the weekend. Then when I got a job, I pretty much occupied myself with work, school and helping to take care of my stepmom when she had breast cancer. Due to taking care of my stepmom all the time (while my dad was working in Munich) my grades dropped big time and I ended up leaving to go to a private school.
The thing was at that point in time I had made some friends through the local teen center and as well on the bbs. The bbs really became my social outlet, my friends came from there, the activities I did on the weekend were created through there. When I graduated high school, I had a ton of friends so I thought. (For the first time in my life). Unfortunatly though when I got pregnant the number of friends I had basically dropped to 2. When I lived in the middle of no where, there were only 2 people (asides from my husband and in-laws) I kept in touch with. Slowly one of them dissapeared and then the only other one flaked on me. It was then I relearned that I had to be reliant on myself.
When I lived in Vegas for 2 years I seriously had absolutly no friends. I rarely ever left the house unless to take the kids to the mall (indoor play areas) or to go to the grocery store or errands. Life was pretty damn lonely. One of the two friends who had slowly dissapeared came back when they learned I lived in Vegas so they could fit me into their schedule when they were out there, once every 6-12 months. When I moved back, I slowly reconnected with some of the bbs friends that I had, but it ws pretty hard being a mom while everyone was childless. I relied on my boyfriend and that's who I had in my life.
The last few years though I have tried very hard to re-open myself up to people and to let them in. To not close myself off and shut myself away from the world. To keep myself from getting hurt again. A few years ago a friend flaked and lied to me about why at last minute they couldnt attend a birthday celebration. A few years later they confessed it was a lie. What hurt about the lie wasn't that they lied about coming but because I literally held this persons friendship near and dear to my heart, like they were my sibling. Again, this weekend this person lied again.
Normally I should be able to shake it off and not let it bother me but truthfully it hurt. Then today I got shoved off by another really good friend because they didnt spend enough time with another one of their friends. Instead of standing up for myself and saying "hey that hurt my feelings", I just said "ok another time". I dont want to become a calloused person again but I am seriously tired of getting my hopes up and having people flake on me. I'm kind of tired of putting myself out there and wondering if I'm going to be good enough to spare some time for or to be the one that they call when there's no one else to do something with.
I'm tired of being the friend that lies and say's "sure it's ok.. dont tell someone that we've been hanging out, so they're not jealous that you may actually have another friend". I guess I'm wondering at what point do I give in and not give a rats ass if I make waves and rock the boat, is that friendship really worth that much or am I out nothing since they dont seem to appreciate my time. Or do I resort to just learning to rely solely on myself again and if anything happens it's like that "bonus".
I know this is life, but this past 6 months my whole world has changed drastically and I'm having a hard time finding my rosy outlook. Id love to hear thoughts from others and tell me the truth. Am I crazy or do I really have a right to feel this way? I'm not used to holding a grudge, but for me to write a blog about this I am extremeley upset.